|
The head of Akshar Bhavan – under the Guru, of course is the mahant; Swami Keshavjivandas. He is
surprisingly young, in his middle thirties. He was a sombre, bony face, lips slightly pursed, the
muscles- under the skin rigid, an ascetic’s face. Yet now and then his lips tremble faintly,
his hand has a slight, intermittent quiver, and as we begin to talk he sweats nervously. All through
our conversation the tremor flickers about his face like a ghost, like suppressed signals from
some desperate invisible Doppelganger. But the swami looks into my eyes, looks deeply with no
fear of scrutiny, he speaks softly and steadily and with great honesty. Now then a shy, warm shy
alters and humanizes his gaunt face. He seems a complex man, darkly within himself, sure of his
vocation – yet, one senses, held to his vows by an effort rare among sadhus; renunciation
in this poverty- stricken and sexually repressed country often seems less on an effort than ordinary
life. Many sadhus seem to develop easily, - therefore, having no constant inner struggle to hold
them back. In this man I sense the vocation, whatever it has given him, has also demanded a steep
price.
On a balcony a hundred yards away, a woman hangs out washing. The monastery was placed here, in
this overcrowded suburb, precisely to keep these holy aspirants within reach of temptations.
Overcoming it then takes on a real meaning; in the serenity of the country they would be like
children kept all their lives in a germ -free atmosphere, who then perhaps collapse and die at
the first machinations of the influenza virus. The woman reaches up, clips a shirt in a place. A
young sadhu stands at the window, watches her, then moves away. Will he later do penance for this
contamination?
Swami Keshavjivandas leans forward to emphasize an opinion, tapping out the
significant syllables on the table. This forcefulness seems strangely out of keeping with the
even softness of his voice. His eyes look into mine as if with some unspoken, unspeakable
question.
‘We have come in contact with Swamiji – simply through love. It was never in my life to take this
path, but his affection and love only have drawn me to him. And before I came to him we had many
questions, we used to ask many questions of him, but he never answered us. He would ward us off,
he would say, “this person will answer you”: but we weren’t satisfied. Now we realize what we had
asked him we have the actual experience today and in that way he has answered us. Because the
other way the answer is only solution for mind not for the heart; but experience is different and
that is why, since Guru has experienced, the disciple who comes in his contact should also reach
a certain level.
‘Unless and until he has reached that level, he will not understand. He should be patient; he
should not come in a hurry to ask Guru to do everything in a moment, because this thing is all
internal, this thing is not preserved by our outer eyes and we have to wait and if we hurry and
if we want everything to be done quickly and without perspiration then we are actually
disappointed and we don’t understand anything. The rain is showering, but when it falls on hard
stone it will go to the sea; if the earth is soft then it penetrates. In the same way, he showers
blessing always but if I am not ready for it I cannot receive those blessings.
“So when can you receive blessings? When you are also about his level you can receive from him.
Until then we have to take other sources to know the Guru because this source does not help us,
because we are not ready and we are not understanding.
‘If I come to a true Guru but if I am not..…Suppose a jeweler has some true jewels come to
him; if he is not perfect in recognize them. In the same way, even if a true Guru comes to me
I’ll not recognize him and I may ward him off because I don’t have the eyes, that knowledge, to
know him, so I have to go to other sources. That other source is shastras, the scriptures.
‘But even by knowing scriptures you cannot know the Guru. It is very high. If we have done some
things in previous births, all that is collected and summed up and help us to know him. And if we
don’t come to that, we have to depend on other persons who are experienced, we have to rely on
their knowledge or their – experience; they will tell us that this Guru is this way or that way.
We see him in a different way, but if someone experienced tells us to see Guru in this way, we
began to see him in that way; then we find that he is good. But without some experience..... If
someone tells us that a tiger is like a cat it would mean nothing unless we had also seen a cat.
‘And leaving aside all these things, Swami shown us one-way. That applies to all things. He has
said, “Don’t take a guru, don’t come to him; you should not be in a hurry to believe in him or to
surrender to him, you should see his ancestors, his hierarchy, who has his Guru and how great
they were; then you see the Guru himself. You should also see those who have come in contact with
him and how they are being prepared and how they progress. Oh, you should see all these three
things, and all living people can judge from that." That is not complete but that helps you and
then afterwards...and as we obey him we experience some things; then again he tells us further to
obey...orders us and we obey him again, and again we know him better.
‘It is a very strange thing with many of us here. We are told by our Guru that if there is jewel
– I don’t take myself to be a jewel, but just for an example – if there is a jewel and it is
covered up with cow-dung, when it is washed off it shines again. “ In the same way“ he says,
“you have come here; due to your involvement with this work you had just lost yourself
temporarily. But as soon as you come in contact with us you are drawn out from it. “ That is what
our guru has said and what we have experienced.
‘I used to be at Jabalpur, at Christ Church Boys High School. We had to go to the church
compulsorily. But because it was not my religion, in those times we used to think that since it
was compulsory we must attend, but we never paid any heed to it. It did not help us in any way.
But we were not taught our religion by anyone. Actually my father and mother, they were of this
fold. But I did not feel like this at all.
‘You see, there was Swamiji’s Guru- I had the chance to see him but three times I denied my
father. He told me to come to him but I gave him lame excuses and ran away. Once he was only
fifty yards away from me, the Swamiji’s Guru and my elder brother was pulling me back and I was
pulling the other way and I won; I did not go to him. Then Swamiji himself used to come to our
house; there were two staircases, so when he came one way I used to run by the other staircase.
But once, you see, he approached from the second staircase. When I heard that he was coming I
started running – but we met in the front. He took hold of my hands and said, “ Come, where are
you running?” He took me,
I stood before him; he took this…my neck, but that hold also I broke
and put his hand by his side. But he did not lose his temper and he was smiling. I was trying to
harass him,
I was trying to rag him and trying to make him angry, but still he was smiling. How
was it possible?
‘From there I found interest in him. He was to stay for four days; this was on the first day so I
went to him for three days continuously. He would call me, he would bless me, he took so much
care of me. I said, “ My parents have never done like this to me,” And that aroused something in
me to know why was he behaving in this way. Was there any reason? Well, I found no reason; he was
giving love freely, just like the free milk distribution, and from that time I found this
partiality.
‘To me, he looked changed. I began to love him. And during the vacation I went to him (he goes
around to the village to preach), I went to him for fifteen days. For all those fifteen days he
himself …You see, there are so many other disciples who would obey him, but still, he personally
made his bed and he would tell me, “Now go to sleep” and in the morning he would wake me up. He
treated me that way and I loved him very much and then when he said, “You want to leave the
world? You want to come to this?” I said, “Yes.”
‘But after one hour I thought, “ What have I done? I should not have said “Yes” to him.
It was
wrong. I have not asked my parents.”
‘He said, “your parents will give you a leave.” Now what should I do? Whatever I told him he gave
me certain answers so that I could not argue with him.
‘At this time I used to see Swamiji twice in a year. That was during the two vacations. But he
used to write letters to us and he would tell us that we were to behave this way; that we should
not see pictures, we should not go to company of girls, we should fast and all that. That we did
very gradually though physically we found it a strain. But still, keeping him in mind.…Even
though he is far away from here, if we will misbehave he will know it. We experience his presence
wherever we are.
“The particular way we have chosen is very hard, because after surrendering sometimes it comes in
our minds to throw it away and to go o our original ways. Sometimes it does happen. But at that
time we don’t take big steps. We approach our Guru, we tell it to him, we write to him. Then he
again shows us the way. He gives us patience. He says, “I also asked that question; the
questions that are coming to you came to also but I continued with faith in my Guru and I am now
in this position. You see me as I am now” And so with this belief we came to our senses. But he
does not himself claim to be divine; he says,
“I was also like you but I have reached this stage
and so you can also achieve this stage.” Today I still find the temptations very hard, but due to
Swamiji’s grace I can introspect and then come to my level. Otherwise the temptation is great.
For instance, persons come and they touch our feet and something happens to us.
‘You should have perfect faith in your Guru. If you even shake a little, even if you are highly
disciplined, you break us of that. If there is a slight doubt in your Guru that will bring down
the great wall and that will be your downfall. It will not be growing easier than a disciple, but
on the contrary he will be crushed, he will be thrown down on the earth.
“We know this partly by experience and partly by his saying so. Because we cannot have a complete
idea of him, so many things are told by him. But he tells us only when he knows, ‘Now you will
not doubt, you will have no doubt in you”; when he is quit sure that you will not take it for
granted that he is speaking to please his ego, then he will tell you. Till then he will not tell
you.
|
